This weekend is going to be a challenge for the Guilty Mom… Will and I got tickets to see Phish in Raleigh on Friday. Way back when we put in for the ticket lottery, it seemed sooo far away on the calendar, and I thought, “we’ll have a 5-month-old then, surely we’ll be just fine leaving him for a few hours.” And then we got our tickets! It’s exciting because it’s been a few years since we’ve seen Phish, and it’s something that’s been a pretty big part of our lives as a couple, and for us as individuals for many years before we ever met.

So we made plans to drive to Will’s parents house in Burlington. They’re out of town, but my mom will drive down from Va. to watch baby J while we make the trip to Raleigh, see the show, and drive back to B-town afterward.  I didn’t really do the math on the drive time, show time, etc. until a couple of days ago and that’s when the anxiety and guilt started to set in…

It’s normally about an hour from Will’s parents’ house to Walnut Creek, but with some major construction on the highway combined with Friday rush hour and concert traffic, we’ll probably give ourselves 2 hours to get there. The show starts at 7, and we’ll need to plan to arrive at least by 6 so that there’s time to park and wander from the lot to the venue… So we’ll leave at 4. The show will probably last until 10 or so, and tack on another hour to get back to the car and out of the venue/through traffic… Assuming the highway will be less crowded on the drive home, we’ll likely be back to Burlington between midnight and 1 a.m.

That’s about 8-9 hours that I’ll be away from J, and it will be the first time that I’ve been farther than a quick 10-minute drive from him. And 1-2 hours is a LOT farther than 10 minutes! What the hell was I thinking?!?!?!? The early departure time means this will be the first time since we’ve had an actual bedtime routine that someone else will have to put baby J to bed. That in itself gives me anxiety. Obviously, I trust my mom and the logical part of my brain knows that everything will be fine. Ideally, once he goes down, he’ll just sleep for the rest of the time and I might even get an hour or two of sleep before his normal 3-4 a.m. wake-up, and he won’t even know that we were gone.

BUT I’M GOING TO BE SO FAR AWAY FROM HIM!!!!! I’m not quite sure how I’m going to be able to keep from thinking about all of the possible things that could happen to him, or to us, during that time/distance away. And then there’s the other logistical issue – I’ll definitely have to pump at least once, and probably twice, while we’re gone. So, I’ll likely be pumping breast milk in the car in the parking lot. There’s something to add to the list of things I’ve done over the years in the lot at a Phish show…

So just as my anxiety was starting to increase, I got a call from my mom this morning… she has a bladder infection and there’s a chance she won’t be able to come. Obviously, I’m concerned about her and I hope it goes away and that she feels better, plus I was looking forward to spending a little time with her before the show on Friday. And I know she is aching to see J as she hasn’t seen him since the end of May. We do have a possible option for a sitter (a good friend of Will’s mom who lives in their neighborhood and wanted to visit J anyway, and is a very trustworthy grandmother person). But if my mom can’t make it, is that a sign that I shouldn’t go? Should I send Will by himself or try to get a friend to go in my place? Or will it really be okay?

• Feeling guilty about leaving my baby for so long, and going so far away.
• Feeling guilty that I do want to go to the show and enjoy the time with my husband.
• Feeling guilty that I might not be able to enjoy the show like a normal person.
• Feeling guilty that if my mom does come, she might not be feeling well.
• Feeling guilty about leaving a sort-of stranger to feed and put my kid to bed if my mom doesn’t make it.
• Feeling guilty about asking a sweet old lady to stay with our son for so long while we go be hippies for a few hours.

This is going to be a tough one…

Day of show update: My mom is feeling better and will be here, yay! But I’m still nervous and anxious…