Oh, man. What a weekend! We had a babysitter lined up for both Friday and Saturday nights – two nights out in a row, y’all! It was also the first time we’ve had a paid babysitter, someone other than our parents or good friends. After last weekend’s guilt- and anxiety-inducing trip ended up being totally fine (Baby J was asleep before 7 and didn’t wake until well after we returned), I thought leaving him for a few hours after bedtime to go less than 10 minutes away would be a breeze. And on Friday night, it was. He was asleep about half an hour before the sitter got there, we were out until midnight, and he didn’t wake up until nearly 6 a.m. We had an awesome time at a show at one of our favorite places in town to see live music, and we saw some friends we hadn’t seen in ages, and it was revitalizing for both of us.

Last night, Saturday, was a bit more difficult. Will was playing a show in the neighborhood, so he left earlier. Our bedtime feeding, which normally is peaceful and drowsy, was not so. Baby J was fussy and didn’t get a full feeding on both sides. I eventually put him down, and he was awake in his crib without crying for about 20 minutes, then the crying started. Now, for the last month or so, 95% of the time he is able to put himself to sleep without crying. Every now and then, he’ll have a random night where he cries for a bit, but I’ve always been there. Last night, he didn’t put himself to sleep in 10 minutes. The sitter came about 15 minutes into the crying, and I decided to try feeding him again. He nursed for about 20 minutes on one side (definitely a full feeding) and I put him back down. He was still crying. I was so torn.

My stomach in knots, I weighed my options while I walked the dog: (1) Leave while he’s still crying. Have the sitter text me when he falls asleep, and be prepared to come back home if he doesn’t go to sleep or can’t be soothed within a certain amount of time.  (2) Wait until he stops crying, while staring at the monitor in the living room with our paid sitter. (3) Go back upstairs and try to soothe him to sleep (which could take a while). (4) Send the sitter home and just stay put. So, which guilt do I choose? I went with option 1, the hardest. I was only able to do it because our sitter is one of J’s daycare teachers, so she takes care of him all day, every day. If it was anyone else, I would have stayed home without hesitation.

I was a freakin’ wreck when I left. I was still in tears when I got to the bar where the band was playing, and thankfully several of my friends there are parents who completely empathized. One of the other band wives has a 4-year-old and said, “Wait until they can use their words when you leave.” As in, when they are crying and upset and asking you not to go and holding on to your legs to keep you from leaving. Another band member said he and his wife cried when they dropped their youngest daughter off on the first day of 6th grade recently. Yet another friend recounted the story of he and his wife dropping their son off for 3rd grade, and it was the first time he asked them not to walk him to his classroom on the first day of school.  So wait, this feeling-like-the-worst-parent-ever-when-leaving-them doesn’t get easier?!?!?! Apparently not.

While these more experienced parents were at the same time making me feel better, and not making me feel any better at all, I got the text from our sitter: He’s asleep. I’d only been there about 10 minutes. WHEW. I relaxed, and enjoyed the next three hours, and am so glad I did because I saw several friends who I hadn’t seen in a while and got to experience a Saturday night like a real adult. And Baby J slept through the night all the way until 7 a.m. What?!? Of course, going out for a whopping three hours until the witching hour of midnight has taken much more of a toll on me than it once did. I’m freakin’ exhausted! I need all of the naps. Now if I could just get this kid to take one…