Wherever we stand as mothers and our working/child raising situation, we all have haters. People who assume things about what we do and why we do it, and who judge our situations even if they don’t intend to do so. These viewpoints are so outdated and divisive that I can’t even believe there are people who really think these things, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised anymore when it comes to people still believing ridiculous and archaic things.
Tag Archives: Parenting
Just because I work full time, doesn’t mean I’m not a full-time mom.
I wrote this post about a month ago and was a little conflicted about sharing it. But here goes. It’s kind of ranty, but that’s how I was feeling at the time.
A good friend (single, no-children, male) recently asked me if I was “still doing the full-time mom thing” or if I’d gone back to work. My immediate response was, “Yes.” Yes, I’ve been back at the office for several months now. And, yes, I’m also a full-time mom. Then I started thinking about the language that is used to describe moms and motherhood. Stay At Home Mom. Work At Home Mom. Working Mom. Part Time Working Mom. Full Time Working Mom. There are probably other labels that I don’t even know about. What do you call a mom who owns her own business that has always been run out of her home, and still does that now, with a baby to care for? What about an artist who creates in an in-home studio, and also has two kids at home most days? There are so many different situations and scenarios for families and mothers and childcare, it’s kind of ridiculous to have labels for everything. And what do all of these women have in common? They are ALL full-time moms!!!! However, this label seems to be reserved for moms who stay at home (working or not) and have their children at home (not in daycare).
Now, I know he meant to distinguish between staying at home vs. working outside of the office, but as someone who pays attention to language and words and semantics a lot, that kind of hit home for me, and got me thinking about the words we use to talk about motherhood.
Do I have to feel guilty to be a good mom?
So apparently this whole guilt thing doesn’t get any better as kids get older. When I went out Saturday night, I was talking about mom guilt with a friend, one of the other band wives, who is a parent of three daughters ranging in age from college to 6th grade. She touched on some of the things she felt guilty about when her kids were younger, and things she still feels guilty about today… even though her oldest is away at college and is doing her own very adult thing. THERE’S STILL MOM GUILT WHEN THEY GO TO COLLEGE! While that may not be comforting at all, at least I know that I’m not alone. Mamas, you are NOT alone in your guilt!
Guilty mom goes out on the town…
Oh, man. What a weekend! We had a babysitter lined up for both Friday and Saturday nights – two nights out in a row, y’all! It was also the first time we’ve had a paid babysitter, someone other than our parents or good friends. After last weekend’s guilt- and anxiety-inducing trip ended up being totally fine (Baby J was asleep before 7 and didn’t wake until well after we returned), I thought leaving him for a few hours after bedtime to go less than 10 minutes away would be a breeze. And on Friday night, it was. He was asleep about half an hour before the sitter got there, we were out until midnight, and he didn’t wake up until nearly 6 a.m. We had an awesome time at a show at one of our favorite places in town to see live music, and we saw some friends we hadn’t seen in ages, and it was revitalizing for both of us.
Last night, Saturday, was a bit more difficult. Will was playing a show in the neighborhood, so he left earlier. Our bedtime feeding, which normally is peaceful and drowsy, was not so. Baby J was fussy and didn’t get a full feeding on both sides. I eventually put him down, and he was awake in his crib without crying for about 20 minutes, then the crying started. Now, for the last month or so, 95% of the time he is able to put himself to sleep without crying. Every now and then, he’ll have a random night where he cries for a bit, but I’ve always been there. Last night, he didn’t put himself to sleep in 10 minutes. The sitter came about 15 minutes into the crying, and I decided to try feeding him again. He nursed for about 20 minutes on one side (definitely a full feeding) and I put him back down. He was still crying. I was so torn.
Time for a road trip (and a guilt trip)…
This weekend is going to be a challenge for the Guilty Mom… Will and I got tickets to see Phish in Raleigh on Friday. Way back when we put in for the ticket lottery, it seemed sooo far away on the calendar, and I thought, “we’ll have a 5-month-old then, surely we’ll be just fine leaving him for a few hours.” And then we got our tickets! It’s exciting because it’s been a few years since we’ve seen Phish, and it’s something that’s been a pretty big part of our lives as a couple, and for us as individuals for many years before we ever met.
So we made plans to drive to Will’s parents house in Burlington. They’re out of town, but my mom will drive down from Va. to watch baby J while we make the trip to Raleigh, see the show, and drive back to B-town afterward. I didn’t really do the math on the drive time, show time, etc. until a couple of days ago and that’s when the anxiety and guilt started to set in…
Advice for new parents… with disclaimers
I always thought some of the things people say to expecting or new parents are pretty hilarious. “Your life is about to change!” (No shit.) “You’ll never love anyone as much as you’ll love your baby!” (Well, duh.) And one of my favorites: “Oh man, you have NO idea.” (Um, obviously, since I haven’t done this before.) And is that even advice, really? Or is that just your passive-aggressive way of making me feel even more clueless and inferior?
But really, I get that *most* of what people say comes from a good, well-meaning place from parents who have been there, done that. And I did seek and receive some very valuable advice, mostly from friends with babies and younger kids who actually remember what it’s like to bring home a brand new person. If your kid is older than 5, then you might want to skip out on giving advice to people about pregnancy, childbirth and the early days of child rearing. Instead, take some notes on how to cope with the toddler years (3 is the new 2!) and how exciting/awful the first day of kindergarten is, and send it to your friends along with a bottle of wine once their kid approaches those stages.
6 things I do now that I have a baby
Okay new parents. Do y’all ever find yourselves doing things that you would never in a million years do if it weren’t for spending so much time with the little tiny human that depends on you for its every need? I’m not talking about giving up sleep, or showering or your social life. Those are a given. I mean, little weird behaviors that become second nature and you don’t even realize how often you do them, until you do them when the baby’s not even there. Like…
Breastfeeding is so easy! (Is not something you’ll ever hear me say)
Last week was World Breastfeeding Week – At least I think it was last week, it might be this week, or it could have been last month. I’m never really quite sure what day it is anymore… Anyway, What a fantastic week to have, to promote and celebrate breastfeeding across the world; to help normalize it in all countries so that mothers might not be gawked at or shamed if they dare to attempt to breastfeed in a restaurant or airport or mall or other public place. Actually, I’m pretty sure America is one of the few places have to worry about the gawking and shame thing. But, hey. Breastfeed your babies! It’s the best thing for them! If you don’t breastfeed, your baby might end up like this guy!
And breastfeeding is soooo easy, right? You see photos of beautiful celebrities and models like Gisele Bundchen breastfeeding while in the middle of getting ready for a photo shoot, and the videos you watch in childbirth class of boringly real people make it look totally normal and natural. Even the creepy animated video that shows what happens to your nipple when your baby properly latches make it seem perfectly logical – like showing you how it’s supposed to look will completely ensure that your baby will hone in on your nipple right away and start sucking. Ha.
For me, and for many mamas I know, it just ain’t that easy. Once little J finally got his alien-shaped oblong head through me and the rest of his body followed, he was immediately put on my chest, as is the ideal situation right after birth. But he wasn’t there long, as they whisked him over to the baby warmer for a little jump start. (More on that later when I post my birth story.) Once he was crying to the satisfaction and relief of everyone in the room, I had him back on my chest and my boobs were there for the taking, and he just didn’t. He cried for a really, really long time, and wanted nothing to do with the nipple. By the time we got to the Mother & Baby floor, still no suckling had happened. I was discouraged and confused and hurt and worried.
The Guilt List
So originally, I had the idea that writing a list of all of the things I feel guilty about as a mom might be a good cathartic exercise that would help me recognize, and move past, some of these feelings. Here is the list I came up with. Some are contradictory, some complementary, and all of them have washed over me at some point over the last 5 months. Some have been fleeting and some have been more consuming.. So, as a mom, I feel guilty about:
Guilty Mom Blog 