Okay new parents. Do y’all ever find yourselves doing things that you would never in a million years do if it weren’t for spending so much time with the little tiny human that depends on you for its every need? I’m not talking about giving up sleep, or showering or your social life. Those are a given. I mean, little weird behaviors that become second nature and you don’t even realize how often you do them, until you do them when the baby’s not even there. Like…

1. Making ridiculous faces: You know those goofy, smiley faces you make at your baby all day, so that he’ll recognize your happy, familiar face and will reciprocate with a gorgeous, gummy smile and maybe even a giggle? You know the one I’m talking about: wide eyes, raised eyebrows, big, cheesy grin? Yeah, I catch myself making that face to my dog pretty much every time I talk to her. She does not respond the same way my 5-month-old does.
2. Eating as if you’re competing in one of those gross and fascinating hot dog eating competitions: When I was on maternity leave and the window of time between the baby crying and nursing and needing a new diaper was about negative five minutes, I had to shovel each meal into my face hole as quickly as possible. (Luckily, I had several summers of practice when I worked as a camp counselor, and had about three minutes or less to eat each meal.) Now, on the occasion that I eat a meal and I don’t have a baby pecking at my boob, I have to force myself to eat like a normal person, which pretty much feels like slow motion to me.
3. Choosing your wardrobe based on accessibility of your boobs: It is really, really hard to dress your postpartum body. Things just don’t fit. If you’re breastfeeding, it’s even harder because each wardrobe decision you make depends on how easily you can whip out your boob. I reorganized my entire closet based on what I can easily pull down, up or to the side so that baby J can get to his lunch in the least awkward way possible.
4. Hearing babies cry everywhere, all the time: OK, this isn’t really something you do, but something that happens to you when you have a baby. Phantom crying. In the shower, in the air conditioning unit, in the car (when there’s no baby in there)… Everything sounds like a freakin’ baby crying! And oh my god, that feeling of initial panic before you realize that the actual crying you’re hearing is coming from the television and not your baby’s room…
5. Then there’s the “mom sway:” You know, that rhythmic rocking from side to side that soothes your little one and might even put him to sleep? I do that all. of. the. time. When my husband is the one holding the baby, when I’m standing in line at the grocery store, when I’m changing my baby’s diaper. I see other moms do it too, when they’re not holding their babies. I see dads do it often. And I’m pretty sure this one will never ever go away. I have a friend who has raised 3 daughters. Her youngest is 11 and she automatically switches on the mom sway the minute she sees baby J. If you ever see a bunch of women standing around swaying like they’re your mom at a James Taylor concert but there’s no music to be heard, they’re probably just moms who saw, or heard, or thought about a baby.
6. Singing or humming the lullabies from your kid’s swing/mobile/toys: Those eerie tunes are stuck in my head all. damn. day.

I’d love to hear about the ridiculous things that are now part of your normal existence as a parent!